Shiver Me Timbers!
by The Young Ones
Summary: Lance and Scott dig for treasure and discover adventure. Mischief and shenanigans abound.
1. Lance and Scott vs PETA

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even my dead cat. 

  
  
  


Scott Summers and Lance Alvers were laying on the beach one pleasant late summer afternoon. They were marking their one week anniversary as a couple with a day out in the sun. 

  


"Why are we going out again?" Lance asked confused.

  


"We are going out because I am tired of being Jean's man servant." Scott answered as he calmly flicked a bug off his leg. "And you swore off women after Kitty dumped you for the twentieth time."

  


"Oh, I forget sometimes," Lance smiled back.

  


_He's just like Jean_, Scott thought to himself. _Expect that he's retarded and has a penis_.

  


Scott had thought that dating another guy would simplify his already disordered life. He would avoid all the silly "girl problems" that seemed to continually spurt from the pours of one Jean Grey. But dating Lance presented new dilemmas to Scott. Scott's biggest challenge with dating Lance was keeping him constantly entertained. If Scott had learned anything from Jerry Springer-- it was that there was nothing more potentially destructive than bored white trash. 

  


Scott knew Lance was bored by the fact that he was now torturing a small hermit crab that was near his foot. Scott had a horrible vision of armed PETA members parachuting in, calling them crab killers, and throwing red paint in their faces. He decided he needed to redirect Lance's tiny brain.

  


"Lance, it's such a nice day," Scott smiled trying to be as pleasant as the weather. "What do you want to do?"

  


Lance thought for a second. "I want to dig for buried treasure."

  


"Is that some sort of euphemism for 'you want to have hot monkey sex'?" Scott asked both hopeful and horrified, which are very difficult emotions to pull off at the same time. 

  


"No, I really want to dig for buried treasure." 

  


Lance grabbed Scott by the arm and lead him to a desolate cove about a half mile away.

  


"Lance I am tired, and worse, I have sand in my brand new $99.95 Birkenstock sandals." Scott protested. "Why did you drag me all the way out here?" 

  
  


"Just think Scott!" Lance exclaimed, looking out onto the water. "Two hundred years ago, pirates were probably roaming these very waters plundering, raping, and pillaging." 

  
  


"Lance you moron. This is the Hudson River. There were no damn pirates here." For just a second, Scott thought about killing Lance. _Nobody would ever know,_ Scott thought. _I'll just dump him in the river with all the other bodies_. 

  


"You don't know anything about pirate history," Lance scoffed. "There were pirates all around here at one time. Guys like Blackbeard, Long John Silver, Johnny Depp, and Errol Flynn. They all called this area home back in the day. 

  


Lance then began furiously kicking the sand, which only proceeded to aggravate Scott even more. 

  


"What in the hell are you doing!" Scott yelled.

"They probably buried their treasure somewhere around this cove." Lance said proudly, as if he figured out the pirates's dark secret.

"Lance! There were no pirates and there is no buried treasure," Scott screamed. "And stop kicking the sand before someone notices us!"

"Loosen up Summers," Lance chided. "There's nobody around for miles. Besides, don't you want to get your hands on some doubloons, bullion, and pirate booty?"

"Pirate booty?" Scott said aloud, as if to confirm that Lance really just said that.

  
  


"Yeah, we could be rich and retire to Miami before we're even twenty," Lance smirked. "So help me dig."

  


Thoughts about spending his days playing pinochle, complaining about the weather, and having dinner with the Hirschfeld's filled Scott's mind. _I am not ready to be an elderly Jew just yet_, Scott thought. 

  


"Earth to Scooter," Lance yelled as he snapped his fingers in Scott's direction. "I know the concept of work is foreign to you Xavier kids, but could you at least move a muscle?"

  


_And I thought Jean was a bitch_, Scott thought. 


	2. Lance and Scott vs the Bum of Bayville

Scott had no intentions of helping Lance with his stupid idea. But at least he could take solace in the fact that Lance and his child-like brain were occupied, and out of his hair for the moment.

  


In just a hour of treasure hunting, Lance had used his powers to tear up most of the beach. Unfortunately, he found only soda cans and a bunch of old porno magazines. 

  


"Look Scott!" Lance cried as he held one of the crusty magazines in the air. "One of these girls looks exactly like Jean!"

  


"Haha Alvers," Scott mocked in his reply. "That was so funny, I forgot to laugh."

  


"Good come back Pee Wee. Now why don't you help me look for the treasure?"

  


Scott was now fed up with Lance's treasure hunt. "I will have no more of this mischief!" Scott emphasized his point by crossing his arms and looking serious.

  


"What the hell did you say?" Lance questioned with a puzzled look on his face.

  


"You know what I said," Scott snapped back.

  


"Who the hell speaks like that?" Lance held up his arms. "Mischief? You sound like fucking Mr. Rogers."

  


Their retarded banter was interrupted when they heard what sounded like a human voice coming closer to them.

  


"Now you've done it Lance," admonished Scott. "The authorities are on to us. How can I get into a good college with a criminal record?"

  


Lance rolled his eyes and came over to Scott. "Scott, you are probably going to spend the rest of your adult life looking after that creepy old man in the wheelchair. The only college you are going to will be up Xavier's ass." 

  


The person making the sounds was now in full view. 

  


"Sir, sir," Scott said in his pleasant young man voice. "We are truly sorry about the beach. We will make any repairs and pay for the damages."

  


The man just stared at them blankly before speaking. "Dangnabitwatchatalkingaboutsonny?"

  


"Sir, I am not sure I understand you," Scott replied. "Se habla espanol?"

  


Lance pulled Scott aside and away from the person.

  


"You moron. Don't you know who that is?"

  


Scott took a look at the shabbily dressed man. He had a long dirty beard and appeared to be carrying a brown bag with a bottle inside. 

  


"Why Lance, it's your father," Scott quipped. Then Scott laughed heartedly which was always something he tended to do when he thought he had been humorous.

  


Lance waited till Scott was done. "No you idiot. It's a real life bum, like you see on tv and in the movies."

  


"I have heard they are quite dangerous," Scott replied as he observed the bum taking a drink from the bottle in the bag. "What if he wants to accost us?"

  


"Scott," said Lance. "We are two mutants with super powers. I think we can take him."

  


Before the discussion could continue, Scott held his hand over Lance's mouth and whispered. "Oh no, here he comes." 

  


The bum held out his hand as he spoke. "Dangnabitsomebodygivemeaquarter."

  


Lance now began to panic. "Scott, what do we do? It looks like he wants something from us."

  


Scott immediately entered stick-up-his-ass leader mode. "Let us decide our tactics, Lance." 

  


Lance nodded. "You're the leader Scott."

  


"Number 1, we can give into his hostile demands, but there is a chance that he will think we are weak and demand more."

  


Lance nodded.

  


"Number 2, we can refuse his demands, but then we will likely have to fight him."

  


Lance nodded again while pounding his gloved fist into his open hand in a menacing fashion.

  


"Number 3, we can offer to...Oh shit! He is coming right toward us."

  


"Run!" Lance screamed as they both took off down the beach.

  


The bum was just left scratching his head. "Dangnabithomosexualqueersruiningmybeach."

  



	3. Lance and Scott vs the Pirates

Lance had found nothing that resembled buried treasure.

  


"Are you satisfied yet?" Scott said sharply.

  


"They must have buried it somewhere else." Lance reasoned. "Pirates are clever."

  


"Yeah, they'd have to be really smart to fool you Lance." Scott said sarcastically. "Come on, let's get out of here before we really get arrested."

  


As soon as Scott finished speaking, he noticed something moving in the distance up the river. It appeared to be a large boat, but Scott couldn't really make out anything from so far away.

  


"Lance, do you see that?" Scott asked as he pointed.

  


Lance stopped his treasure hunt and began walking with Scott up the river's shore to investigate.

  


"Do you hear that music?" Scott asked as they neared the ship.

  


"Yeah, what the hell is it?" Lance questioned.

  


Off in the distance, Barry Manilow's Copa Cabana was blaring from the direction of the mysterious ship.

  
  


_At the Copa, Copa Cabana_

_The hottest spot North of Havana_

_Here at the Copa, Copa Cabana_

_Music and passion were always the fashion_

_At the Copa_

_...They fell in love._

  
  


Scott and Lance were now close to the tall ship. They moved behind a sandy dune so they could observe the ship without being seen. They could see that it was an older ship with three large masts and multiple cannons on its deck.

  


"It looks like a Clipper," Scott murmured, proud that all those hours watching the History Chanel finally paid off.

  


"It's the ghosts of the pirates!" Lance nearly shouted in his fear. "They've come to rape and kill us for trying to steal their booty!"

  


Scott held a hand over Lance's mouth to silence him.

  


"You jackass," Scott scolded. "Do you want them to hear us?"

  


Scott could see that it did resemble a pirate ship. It even had the Jolly Rogers flying defiantly on it's mainmast. But why are the skull and crossbones pink? Scott thought. These pirates must be color-blind, or maybe my shades just make everything look pink?

  


"It's probably just one of those tacky theme restaurants," Scott whispered. "Look I can see people moving around and dancing."

  


Lance was still unconvinced it was a restaurant. "Yeah, but all I see are man dudes. They all seem to be dancing around um...happily."

  


"Dancing happily?"

  


"Maybe more like frolicking."

  


They both noticed that some of the people were now getting into the ship's launch.

  


"See, I told you they were pirates. If they aren't pirate ghosts, than they're real flesh and blood pirates. They're going to kill, rape, and pillage us!"

  


"I hope not in that order," Scott muttered. "Look, they probably ran out of wine or something, and they couldn't dock that big boat."

  


Scott and Lance moved further away from the dune and awaited the arrival of the launch from the safety of a nearby hill.

  


"Look!" Lance shrieked in alarm. "They are pirates! Look how they are dressed."

  


Scott could see that they were dressed like pirates, as if pirates had an universal dress code.

  


"That's all part of the restaurant," Scott explained. "People pay good money for the whole experience. They're just mascots. They are no different than those people who get paid five bucks an hour to run around Disneyland in a sweaty Mickey Mouse costume."

  


Lance looked confused. His minuscule brain was about to implode from information overload.

  


"Isn't that Wanda?" Scott asked as the launch came more into view, thereby saving Lance's brain from imploding.

  


"If it's her than she dyed her hair," Lance remarked. "She's also dressed differently. She doesn't look all Hot Topicish."

  


"Hot Topicish?" Scott cringed, hating when Lance created new words.

  


"You know, Hot Topic, where Mary Sues and people who listen to Evanescance shop."

  


The launch arrived at shore and the man in the most important looking pirate costume was the first to get out. Not only did he have an impressive pirate hat, complete with skull and crossbones, but he also had a cutlass and flintlock pistol. All he needed was a stuffed parrot on his shoulder to complete the look.

  


"Holy shit!" Lance yelped. "It's Magneto and that random group of men he's always with!"

  


Scott could see that it was the Master of Magnetism underneath the pirate garb. He was followed out of the launch by his pirate-like dressed Acolytes and someone that looked like Wanda Maximoff.

  


"What do we do?" Lance whispered.

  


"Don't make a sound." Scott ordered. "We'll watch them and see what they are up to."

  


Pirate Magneto and his crew walked up the beach. At a certain point, Magneto stopped and began counting steps. When he reached his designated goal, he turned to his crew.

  


"Avast, me hearties! 'Tis a fine day fer retrieving buried property. Long John, look smart!"

  


"Aye aye Cap'n!" A smallish spiky haired pirate replied.

  


"Go scout the area. We wouldn't be wanting any scallywags sneaking up on us now?"

  


"Aye Cap'n! If I see a blooming bilge rat, my steel will cut him down before he knows the goose was cooked."

  


Pirate Magneto turned to the rest of his crew. "As fer the rest of you scurvy sprogs, grab yer tools and start yer digging."

  


The rest of the Pirate Acolytes began unwrapping bundles of tools and started digging where Pirate Magneto pointed.

  


"Two things here Scott," Lance whispered. "First, this is fucked up. Second, now we know what those guys are up to when they aren't fighting."

  


Pirating must be their day job, Scott thought. I wonder if the Professor will make me get a job now that I'm out of High School?

  


Pirate Magneto was now barking orders and looking very piraty. "Put yer backs into it ye filthy sea dogs, or I'll put the whole lot of ye in irons, Arrr!"

  


The pirates went about their chores in a pleasant manner while Pirate Magneto wiped his brow from the heat.

  


"Yarrr tis' a scorcher," said Pirate Magneto. "What I wouldn't give fer a swig of grog."

  


"Father," The fair skinned girl standing next to Pirate Magneto offered. "I'll get some for you."

  


In a blink of an eye, the girl returned with a cup.

  


"Lance did you see that?" Scott said in disbelief.

  


Lance's mouth was agape. "Yeah, that isn't Wanda. That's Pietro in drag!"

  


"Did you know he was a transvestite?" Scott asked.

  


"We kind of had a suspicion when Toad found that Victoria's Secret catalog in his room."

  


"Yeah and come on, what was with taking those four girls to the dance," Scott added. "No way would any teenage girl put up with that unless they were getting paid to play along."

  


"Or what about going all Versace on fuzzy boy's ass in the Bayville Mall, that one time when we beat you," Lance mused. "I'll bet you even Richard Simmons thought that was sissy."

  


"Yeah and...wait, you didn't beat us. Wanda beat us and that's only because she was nuts at the time."

  


"Give it a rest Scooter."

  


"Just for that you can forget about me rubbing your feet tonight, Mr. Lance Alvers."

  


"Speaking of sissy..."

  


"This is getting too weird," Scott acknowledged. "I think we better get out of here."

  


"Yeah, we've been actually talking very loud," Lance all but yelled. "I WONDER IF THE PIRATES WILL HEAR US?"

  


All of Magneto's men stopped what they were doing and surrounded them.

  


"Don't make a move or I'll gut you." The pirate that looked like prop comedian Carrot Top was now behind Scott and Lance. "Looky what we got here Cap'n. A couple of li'ly libbered landlubbers."

  


"Good work Long John," bellowed Pirate Magneto. "Sneaking up on me so ye can steal me treasure, eh? Fer that ye walk the plank, Arrr!"

  


"Listen Magneto," Scott said as he puffed his chest out like a giant turkey. "I don't know what weird sicko games you're playing, but I'm blasting our way out of here."

  


Just as Scott reached for his shades...

  


"Bonjour."

  


Scott turned around and saw that creepy looking guy with the crazy eyes and pole.

  


"Ze rain in ze Spain, how do you say, falls mainly on ze plain?" Pirate Gambit said in his best Pepe LePeau.

  


Scott felt a strong force pulling him towards Gambit. "Can't resist...that horrible French accent...must make love to him."

  


"Scott, NO!" Lance yelled.

  


Pirate Gambit continued the assault. "You have a certain, how do you say, je ne sais quoi, no?"

  


Before he knew it, Scott's lips were pressed up against Gambit's in a passionate kiss.

  


Lance was stunned. He turned his attention back to Magneto, but before he could act, a large ugly pirate with a crewcut now had him in a powerful embrace.

  


The pirate turned to metal and kissed Lance until he was unconscious from the lack of oxygen to his brain. 


	4. Lance and Scott vs Captain Magnetobeard

When Lance woke up, he found that he was on the ship, tied to a mast next to Scott.

  


"Scott, you awake?" Lance asked as he nudged Scott with his head. 

  


"Yeah. What in the hell happened?"

  


"I don't know," Lance replied. "But we are on that crazy ship and there's more horrible music playing. See I told you there was pirates and pirate treasure."

  


Scott began to take in the surroundings. "Lance, they are not pirates. They are Magneto and his Acolytes, and they are likely up to no good nefarious deeds. I need to contact the professor." 

  


"Stop with the professor crap! You act like you are married to the guy. Can't you think for yourself Scott?"

  


"I'll have to ask the professor." 

  


In the background, the pirates were dancing happily as In the Navy, by the Village People, blared in the background. 

  


_In the Navy, yes, you can sail the seven seas.  
In the Navy, yes, you can put your mind at ease.  
In the Navy, come on now people, make a stand.  
In the Navy, can't you see we need a hand.  
In the Navy, come on, protect the motherland.  
In the Navy, come on and join your fellow, man.  
In the Navy, come on, people, and make a stand.  
In the Navy, in the Navy._

"I always thought Magneto would have more of, you know, a secret lair somewhere under a mountain? Scott stated as he quirked an eyebrow. "But they're not exactly trying to hide are they? Everyone within a hundred miles could spot this ship." 

  


"Who's going to bother them?" Lance snorted. "If you saw a giant gay pirate ship, would you go near it?"

  


They turned their attention to Magneto who was on the ship's deck barking out piratisms at an alarming rate. 

  


"Jason, you ugly monkey. Swab the deck! "

"Long John. Ahoy Matey!"

"Russian guy. Heave Too ya Bastards!"

"Frenchie. Send that scurvy dog to Davey Jones's locker"

"Pietro. There be treasure in them thar hills."

"You big mangy teddy bear thing. Get out o' me eyes and a bottle of rum."

  
  


Magneto only stopped rapid pirating when he noticed Lance and Scott were now awake. 

  


"Arrr!"

  


"What do he just say?" Scott turned to Lance who just shrugged his shoulders.

  


"Arrr! I see ye be awake." 

  


"Okay Magneto, your pirate fun is over," Scott demanded in his 'I am serious Scott' face. "Let us go now."

  


"You call me Captain Magnetobeard on me vessel, or I make ye walk the plank in shark infested waters ye scurvy dog." 

  


"Go ahead," Lance laughed. "Even I know there are no sharks in the Hudson River." 

  


"Aye, but thar be far worst dangers in these here waters, like toxic sewage and medical waste. One of them nasty hypodermic needles nips ye and thar be no telling what horrible disease ye get."

  


Scott paused for a moment before answering, "Alright, you win Captain Magnetobeard."

  


"Arrr! Now I be nice to ye by letting ye have a drink of water." 

  


"Cabin Boy!" Magnetobeard clapped. "Bring me pretties some water."

  


Lance and Scott's jaws dropped when they saw an almost nude Evan Daniels come up from the ship's galley. His only piece of clothing was some Calvin Klein underwear that had the words 'Jailbait' written across the back. 

  


"Evan!" Scott cried. "What in the hell are you doing here?"

  


"What does it look like I am doing here?" Evan chortled. "I'm the cabin boy."

  


"But you went to live with the Morlocks," Scott protested. "You left to control your powers."

  


"No, I really just wanted to get away from all you fucked up X-Men and that creepy professor." Evan replied calmly as he adjusted his bow tie. "You guys all have serious mental problems. The Morlocks were just convenient at the time. I like it here better. So I have to be a sex slave to a bunch of sweaty pirates. It's still better than living in the sewers with a bunch of freaks."

  


"He's got a point Scott," Lance suggested innocently.

  


"Shut up Lance," Scott hissed. 

  


Evan held a ladle to each of their lips so they could drink. "Just keep your cool and you guys will be fine. In fact, I think this calls for a pirate song."

  


"A pirate song!" Screamed eight lusty pirates.

  


Scott and Lance watched as they all they gathered on the deck and took their positions. 

  


"I think I saw something like this in a play when I was in the third grade." Scott whispered. "There was a bunch of pirates and all they did was sing and dance."

  


"Hey, so you're use to this," Lance complained. "The pirates I remember from my youth were always plundering, killing and raping."

  


"Let's hope they stay this way Lance."

  


"You two, be quiet," admonished the pirate who looked like Chewbacca. "We're about to start."

  


Captain Magnetobeard then pulled out a triangle. Ready, three...two...one...bing.

  
  


_We pillage, plunder, we rifle and loot,_

_drink up me 'arties, Yo Ho,_

_We sashshay and swish and don't give a hoot,_

_drink up me 'arties, Yo Ho,_

_We extort and pilfer, we filch and sack,_

_drink up, me 'arties, Yo Ho,_

_We'll steal all your men and won't give them back,_

_drink up me 'arties, Yo Ho,_

_Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Gay Pirate's Life for Me._

_We kindle and char and inflame and ignite,_

_drink up me 'arties, Yo Ho,_

_We love Barbra Streisand with all of our might,_

_drink up me 'arties, Yo Ho,_

_We're beggars and blighters and ne'er do well cads,_

_drink up me 'arties, Yo Ho,_

_Aye, but we'll ignore your mommies and go for your dads,_

_drink up me 'arties, Yo Ho,_

_We're a rascal, a scoundrel, a villain, and a knave,_

_drink up me 'arites, Yo Ho,_

_It's really just glamour and fashion we crave, _

_Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Gay Pirate's Life For Me._

  
  


The revelry, debauchery, lechery, and various other words ending with ry that sound naughty, continued until the wee hours of the next mourning. 

  


During the night Lance and Scott had tried to kill each other by repeatedly banging their heads together. Unfortunately, Lance's head was too thick, so all that resulted was a terrible concussion for Scott. They were about to give up all hope when... 

  


"Bamf."

  


"Hey guys," chirped a very upbeat blue fuzzy elf.

  


"Kurt get us out of here!" Lance and Scott yelled in unison. 

  


"What kind of crazy place is this." Kurt was now looking at the pirates who were performing the musical _West Side Story_. Pietro was playing both leads and captivating all in attendance with his voice and acting ability. 

  


"Kurt just forget about them," Scott pleaded. "Just port us out of here now before..."

  


"Bonjour."

  


"Kurt close your ears!" Lance emphatically yelled. "Don't listen to his awful French." 

  


"Ze Marie had a little lamb, ze fleece was white as ze snow, and everywhere ze Marie went, how do you say, ze lamb was sure to go. Gambit good, no?"

  


Lance and Scott watched as Kurt was now tangoing cheek-to-cheek with Gambit across the ship's deck.

  


"Lance, we're stuck here forever." Scott cried as the tears rolled down his face. 

  
  
  
  


~END~

  



End file.
